Falling In Love with Myself
(Chapter from Houses of Light Stories- Going Beyond the Programming of our Life)
-Tami Jean
What does falling in love with myself look like?
Falling in love with myself is, in my opinion, difficult. The perspective of the person you’re attempting to fall in love with is jaded. You know all their flaws and downfalls. As a matter of fact, you’re hyper focused on the flaws. Looking in the mirror, typically, I don’t see someone I love. I see someone I don’t like. I see all the things crooked or out of place. I see the sagging eyelids, the crazy hair, the dark under eyes. The nose that is just a bit too big for my face and crooked teeth. I see sagging boobs and a muffin top. Untoned arms and shoulders. So how can I fall in love with that?
What does falling in love with another look like?
Seeing that other human for the first time, whether it be a romantic partner or a brand new baby, we see all the things that are right with them. An attractive face with character, their eyes and how they light up when they see us back. The sparkle in the eyes. The eyes always get me. Like I can see their soul. In my personal experience I’ve never been in love with anyone super pretty or chiseled. As a matter of fact I don’t usually see anything but the eyes. I see the soul, the spark, the sparkle, an Imperfect body, and at my age, usually a dad-bod. Not toned or cut, but it doesn’t matter because I see their soul. That spark. And when I fall in love with someone, I want to make them happy. I want to take care of them and protect them. Treasure them and learn their ins and outs. I’ve been accused more than once of having ‘rose colored glasses’. And as I age, and learn that I was naive to not see the red flags through my ‘rose colored glasses’, or was I? All I saw was the good and the potential. Not the potential issues that usually crept in. In my experience this will happen if we fall in love with another before falling in love with ourselves. I have also learned that maybe seeing the world through ‘rose colored glasses’ may be a gift.
How do they differ or compare?
When I look at myself I see all the flaws. And when I look at someone I’m falling in love with I see all the good things.
When someone is falling in love with me I would expect they see all the good things as well.
Expectations- Now there’s a subject worth noting here. As any of us fall in love, or are looking to fall in love, we set our expectations super high, or at least I do. And as time wears on, we start to notice the flaws, little by little, and our expectations are dashed. Or are they?
As I view this comparison I see it as coming in from two completely different angles. Finding those flaws will help us to know if this is unconditional love. If we are unable to accept the flaws, we know it’s conditional. If they are acceptable we know it's unconditional. Simple right? Wouldn’t that be nice!
True unconditional love allows us to accept and be accepted, flaws and all! Going into loving ourselves is knowing all the flaws better than anyone! So how do we learn to accept and love those flaws like we would in another human? Accepting is a key word here. Being aware of what we consider flaws is a very good first step.
For me, learning that I was an eternal light being helped me to see the bigger picture of the human experience. Coming to this Earth school and getting this vessel, or body, is one of the greatest honors we could ever receive. Having the knowledge of what an honor it is to be able to come here to learn and evolve as a soul has helped me to see myself in a different light. This has all helped me to begin to appreciate this vessel that I’ve seen as flawed my whole human existence.
What are we judging? The physical body? The personality? The DNA we got stuck with or the generational karmic energy we carry? Some of all I expect. I have found myself being very critical of myself all of my life. Honestly, I’m my own worst enemy. The things I say to myself I would never consider saying to anyone else! (Well, I might consider it…) It has become an awful habit of mine to call myself dumb or stupid, of which I am neither. I do not know where this comes from as I was never called those things by my parents. Heck, I wasn’t even allowed to say stupid! So where does this come from? It comes from programming. For me I believe it was more about always feeling as though I’ve disappointed my elders.
It can come from parents of course, or the family situation, religious or societal expectations. We all have different Programming, though I have no doubt there is a lot in common due to the (American) society we’ve grown up in. The expectations of a family, parents and grandparents can be daunting. Our parents and grandparents have been taught a certain way, and with good intentions they have taught us the “right way” to be. How to present ourselves, how to talk, who to be as not to ‘shame the family name’. More and more, we are realizing those things don’t matter, not like they used to. We are being taught now to be authentic to ourselves, to be true to who you really are and not to worry so much about what others think. Personally I struggle with all of this. As much as I would like to say ‘I don’t care what others think of me’, I can’t truly say that. I’m definitely less concerned as I grow older, however I still find myself being concerned with what others think.
Getting back to falling in love with self, I believe the first key step after awareness is finding that true authentic self. It’s buried under there somewhere! Somewhere under all the noise and clutter in our minds. Learning to hear that still small voice of intuition will guide us on our journey of self discovery. Listening to this voice and recognizing the difference between it and the voice of fear, commonly called ego. Too many of us live afraid, invoked by a fear mongering ego. It could also be a voice of our childhood such as a parent or teacher, who at some point, with good intention, gave us their opinion. So many times I hear of people completely changing the course of their life due to an authority figure of one sort or another, expressing their “opinion”. We all know what they say about opinions! Unfortunately, they have an impact, especially on children. Learning to differentiate between these voices will help us find that authenticity. Another thing I learned about are the voices of our inner parts. I often hear from my inner defender, or fifteen year old self. My inner fifteen year old is still pissed at how my father treated her/me, and at times still does. Even being in the same vicinity with him, she comes out, claws and attitude. Also, my inner five year old didn’t feel loved. She felt like no one wanted to play with her, and that she was always in the way. Her voice never seemed to matter.
Meditation and hypnosis are great tools for connecting with our inner parts during those difficult time periods, as time is relative. Going inward to our higher selves, or subconscious mind, we can travel back to those difficult times and give our past selves comfort and reassurance that it will all work out the way it is meant to. I was able to connect with my inner child a couple of times through hypnosis. I was able to play with her and tell her she is very loved and safe.
Discovering our true authentic self can be a challenge with all of these voices coming to us. Quieting all of those voices is key to hearing the truth from our higher self or subconscious.This may be easier said than done, as I struggle to stop long enough to listen. And when I do stop, I struggle with the “shoulds”. There’s so much else I ‘should’ be doing, however cluttering up our lives is only preventing us from reaching our true potential.
While working with a trauma therapist, I learned, not only about my inner parts, but what it means to dissociate. And man, am I good at that!! Toward the end of our sessions I would literally tune out and she could tell the difference in my voice and mannerisms. This comes from the ego protecting us from all of the danger! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!!
As time went on I learned to be aware when it was happening and I was able to speak to my ego and thank it for doing what it’s designed to do- protect us! Unfortunately the ego only sees the past pain and potential for more of the same, and is unable to decipher the difference between what could possibly happen. A technique I learned is to thank my ego for protecting me. Show gratitude for all it has done to protect me, welcome it to the table but make sure it isn’t running the show. The ego will tell us all of the things that could go wrong and how we ‘can’t’ do this or that. What it can’t see is the potential positive outcome. This is the job of our higher self.
Tuning into our higher self and learning to see the beautiful things about ourselves will be helpful but not always easy, especially if we have an overactive mind or ego. At first it wasn’t easy for me to quiet my mind, and I still struggle at times. Creating time to sit with ourselves should (there’s that naughty word) be made a priority. What I see a lot in the women I work with is that our society has created the stigma that if you focus on yourself you are selfish. So as women typically we put our own needs aside for everyone around us. This has been a big shift for me learning that self care is not selfish, but a necessity as important as air and water to our human body and soul.
As we shift our own energy and how we see ourselves, we will see a change in the type of energy we are attracting as well. This is a kind of side effect to loving yourself. Being able to look in the mirror and see all of the beautiful parts of ourselves will create a shift in our energy field. This change in our energy will begin to deflect the unwanted energy and attract the Love we truly desire and deserve. So how do we do this? When we are in a place of negativity and lack, we will attract that energy. This is sometimes referred to as the “Law of Attraction”. Like attracts like. It’s as real as the “Law of Gravity”. Affirmations are a great tool to use here. Beginning to slowly and gently shift the energy through thought patterns. Silly as it may sound, focus on any little thing you can find as a positive and celebrate it like you won the lottery! Fingernails are such an amazement to me! This hard protective shield that just shoots out from the tips of our fingers! Just think about that for a moment… How wonderful that is! They keep our fingers protected so we can do things with little injury. They are tiny little tools that we can scrape, poke and flick things (don’t tell my clients I said that!). We can decorate them and make them longer, stronger and beautiful if we desire! Being able to look down at my pretty fingernails always gives me a boost! And it doesn’t matter how your hair looks, if you have makeup on or if you’re in ragged old clothes, you will feel pretty!!
This is an area that I have struggled in for sure. I spent many years in victim mode without even being aware of what that even was. Even after having been out of the abusive relationship and through another marriage and separation, I was still living in that desperation mentality grasping at anyone who might love me. I didn’t get it. I didn’t know. But once you know you can’t unknow. That’s the beauty, (and sometimes the curse) of becoming awakened or aware. I didn’t realize what an energy sucker I was. Leaching onto anyone who would listen to my woes. Me me me… maybe it’s also partly the ‘only child’ syndrome. The world revolved around me, and I was completely unaware of how self centered and unthoughtful of other people's feelings I was. I was so desperate for someone to hear me and give me the attention I needed that I was willing to be whatever they wanted me to be. It took me up until just a couple years ago to truly understand how I was creating this facade unintentionally. I didn’t understand how to be authentic unto myself. I didn’t understand how being true to myself and finding my voice could impact the world. I didn’t value who I was, so I didn’t see the value I had to those around me.
Coming to the realization, after another long term failed relationship, that I am a truly valuable human being and eternal soul that has a purpose on this earth! I realized that being what I thought everyone wanted me to be was not honoring myself. And over time, when I was able to be more myself, with anyone I was around, I learned that I was letting people down. Once they got to know me better, they didn’t like me that much. Or they were disappointed because I wasn’t living up to the expectations they had set for me. I was raised to look people in the eye and give them a good strong handshake. I’ve always been excellent at giving a good first impression… because that was what mattered. It didn’t matter how I felt, it only mattered what everyone else thought. I was not raised to be myself despite what others think. I was raised to be quiet and follow the rules. I was raised to not rock the boat. Well dammit, I was born to rock the boat! I am a rebel and a rule breaker, especially if something doesn’t make sense to me. Just because some Joe Schmo said it once doesn’t make it the final word. We are here to challenge, be challenged, learn and expand! This is why the world we live in is changing so swiftly and we are being encouraged to be unique and go against the grain! Though we could stand the pull in the reins a bit, but that’s another chapter.
How does this help me to fall in love with myself?
Is it possible that all of these things we see wrong with ourselves are completely right? What if those parts we hate are the parts someone else loves completely? Does this downgrade their opinion? Are they wrong for loving those flawed parts of us? Of course not. Them loving those parts helps us to see that maybe those parts aren’t so bad. The parts of my face that I don’t like, like my crooked teeth and the nose that’s just a bit too big for my face, are the things that make me unique. My weird laugh that my son inherited and is so adorable on him, so why would I hate it on myself? I’m just giving examples here, but legitimate questions. Recognizing how we put ourselves down, even if only in our head, will help to create that necessary awareness shift in energy. This will not be an overnight process for most, but it can be done!
As we go through our lives and we are aware of when we do or say something to put ourselves down, we can stop. In that moment we can say “No, I’m not going to say hurtful things to myself any longer.” Instead, as you realize these moments, begin to change the language around how you talk to or about yourself. Whether it be to yourself in the mirror, in your head as a thought or to another person, even as a joke. Change the words. Words are very powerful. And what most of us don’t realize is that we are creators, created in God's image and able to create and change the world with just our words. So when you catch yourself saying or feeling the desire to say something degrading to or about yourself, stop and change the words. “I am an amazing human being”, “I am perfect just how I am”, “Everything about me is perfect just the way it is''. Or whatever phrase fits the situation. Shift your perspective to the positive.
Through awareness, affirmations, perspective and clarity, we can find our true authentic selves and begin the journey of falling in love with ourselves. Listening to the still small voice of our higher self that will guide us down the road of discovering all of the wonderful parts that are worthy of our love, even the flaws. True unconditional self love includes the shadows as it shines light into those dark places. The dark places are where the growth comes from. The parts we aren't so happy with help us to appreciate the good parts, and to see what another may see as they fall in love with us. We can see those places and find love within ourselves. There will always be dark and difficult times but holding the perspective of those times being times of growth, and choosing to love them will bring us through to find light and love at the end of the tunnel.
Tami Jean
Self Love Coach
Professional Cosmetologist
Healing Crystal Jewelry Designer
Daughter, Mother, Partner, Lover and Friend
Contact me to learn about my Heart Activation Program
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